1. Dry Shampoo
Showers are limited as soon as you produce your first child. You can attempt the ‘get up before them’ shower or the ‘jump in whilst they nap’ shower. But? These are ditched after about four days when you realise? There is is something invented that makes your hair look clean(ish) and gives off a smell like foreign holidays. The rest of your body? Tackle with a baby wipe.
2. CBeebies
“My kids won’t be shoved in front of the tele!” I exclaimed. Cue about a month in when my daughter was transfixed by psychotically creepy Mr Tumble and it meant I could sleep with my eyes open for ten minutes. Eight years later I now have a love/hate relationship with kids TV. I LOVE Dr Ranj. I HATE f*cking Topsy and Tim’s Mum. Nause.
We now are the owners of four tablets. One got smashed by a tiny foot. Two are full of kids games downloaded. And the other? A spare. Yes a spare? In case one runs out of battery and your toddler is screaming for “BABY SHARK“. Tablets mean you can wash up in peace. Tablets mean you can lie in for that extra hour. Tablets mean? Taking a crap without an audience. Bliss.
Before the sh*t (quite literally) hit the fan
4. Social Media
Social media is an utter lifesaver. You may be doing a night feed, or stuck in bored sh*tless during a nap and can’t be arsed to tidy up. I can lose hours stalking celebs on twitter, or getting angry about smug Facebook status’s. Ex boyfriends have been searched for and obvs you need produce a healthy about of #babyspam to prove to everyone you love your kids. How else would they know?
5. WiFi
If you’ve not got wifi in your house? Please refer back to 2, 3 and 4. If it’s 5am and your toddler is demanding IgglePiggle (2) then you can grab your tablet (3) whilst you sit on your phone and looking longingly at your single friends fun night out (4). Also the first thing you should work out the code for when you go out to eat anywhere or book into a hotel with your little ones.
6. Caffeine
If Motherhood was sponsored by anything it would be the joy that is caffeine. Often drank luke warm in the form of a cup of tea, or ice cold in a can (or six) of diet coke. Cut me open? And I would bleed caffeine. I swear my innards must be black and tar like.
MMMMM TEAAAAAA
Essential for a variety of things. Advice (as long as it is not unsolicited) and moaning. Mainly the moaning. About lack of sleep, or your annoying husband, or mother in law or probably all three. They often come with biscuits. Kind of a free knackered looking therapist that gives you sweet sh*t. The dream.
8. Leggings
Or a ‘jegging’ if you’re feeling a bit posh. They stretch over the Mum tum. They can be tucked into Uggs, shoved under flowery smock tops and look OK with a Converse or flip flop. They also disguise a very hairy leg. I have often discussed what would happen to me if they stopped selling leggings. I can’t bare to think about it. I wouldn’t be able to leave the house.
9. Baby Wipes
When I first had my daughter I was frugal with my wipes. Worrying about the environment. Now? I USE THEM FOR EVERYTHING! I use them to clean shoes, windows, hob surfaces, the living room table and even my privates when I’m in a rush. I will continue buying them even when my kids have long left home.
Time to clean the school shoes!
10. Mum Coat and Bag
If you take anything from this you need to embrace the Mum coat and bag. Treat yourself to one that is actually waterproof. Not one you think is waterproof and you end up soaking, weeping on the local high street. The bag must be big. Go to buy a big one. Then double it. And don’t forget to fill it with everyone from woolly hats to suntan lotion..
11. Netflix
Fridays and Saturday’s used to be the night you go out. Now your social life. Is replaced by Netflix. Or a cheeky boxset. Often put on about 8pm and then you wake up around 9:30pm pretending to your other half you know exactly what is going on. It’s took us 4 months to watch The Walking Dead season 1. I haven’t a clue what the plot is. Bar there is dead people in it. Who walk.
12. Gin
Bar the time you drink A LOT of tea, motherhood is also sponsored by gin. Often cracked open at 6:30pm on a braless Friday night sat in your living room tucking into a Chinese take away and watching Netflix (see above). And then this gin soaked theme is continued throughout the weekend. And maybe on a Wednesday. Just because.
Romance is…ignoring your other half on the couch…
13. Dressing Gowns
I have three dressing gowns. Dressing gowns are essential to throw over your pyjamas when you have forgotten to take the rubbish out. To cover up any stains on your top that you can’t be arsed changing and to make you feel just really really comfortable. And one with a hood. Is my idea of utter heaven. If I could wear one on the school run. I ruddy would.
14. Cake
Cake is eaten if you are meeting up with other Mums, or going to round to a play date at a Mums house, on picnics with other Mums, after a kids party with other Mums. It can be eaten if you are tired. Or if you are feeling sad. Or to celebrate! Cake is part of being a Mum. And in all of the previous scenarios? It’s calorie free innit? Cause being a Mum is a hard job and we need a treat every now and then SO BACK OFF!
