2) You do approximately seven loads of washing to make sure your washing line is full to the brim at any one point. Nothing is safe. If you could you would shove your kids in and hang them out to dry.
3) You shave your toes, your legs, your armpits and PAINT YOUR NAILS! Your husband thinks his luck is in. It isn’t.
4) You dig out an old tatty Primark beach dress, last seen worn in Lanzarote, and parade around in your garden in it at 8am. Hanging your washing up with no bra underneath it. The neighbours won’t mind as “WE ARE HAVING A HEATWAVE“.
5) You start to get the urge to drink Pimms around 11am. You last out till 1pm. Drinking in the garden does not count. It’s like the 15 white Magnums you consumed. No calories when the sun is out! You will sweat them all out of your system. Right?
6) You send your other half out for “emergency heatwave supplies” like a giant fan from Asda and garden recliners from Argos. He texts he’s going to be a while “as the queues are f*cking massive”. Everyone else. Has had the same idea.
No bra on, on my 5th Pimms and about to hang out MORE washing
7) To ensure that your children make the most of the heatwave (did I mention we are going to be right in the midst of one?) you get every single garden related toy out. From the teepee that hasn’t seen the light of day since last year and is full of dead spiders, to the Poundland water pistols, to the paddling pool…
8) …that of course has got a 25 holes in it so your other half is sent out to Argos again. You ask him to look at how much sandpits are.
9) You dress your little ones as if they are about to go to a rave in Ibiza. The brightest beach dresses, the trendiest t shirts. They are in hats, sunglasses and jelly shoes. And a whole heap of factor 50.
10) You and your other half exclaim every ten minutes “GOD IT’S SO HOT ISN’T IT? IT REALLY IS? DO YOU THINK IT’S THIS HOT IN GRAN CANARIA? I BET IT ISN’T“. Followed by “shall we have another Pimms?”.
11) You start to discuss what it would be like to live in a really hot country all the time. Maybe you should move? It would be bliss!
12) You eat every possible meal outside and when you find your kids creeping back into to watch the tablet you shout “GET OUTSIDE! WE ARE HAVING A HEATWAVE DON’T YOU KNOW“.
13) Your husband does the whole garden in his socks, slippers, shorts and no top. He’s sweaty, ruddy and mumbling something about “god it really is hot isn’t it?”.
14) You decide you will only BBQ food from now on but your husband tells you to “f*ck off” when you ask him to go to Argos to buy a £300 gas one that you just have to have.
15) But then? The pressure to stay outside is a bit much. The kids keep spraying you in the face with a water pistol and all you really want to do is go inside and have a nice cup of tea and watch the tele. You start to worry about a sweaty bedtime and how you won’t leave the fan on for fear of it setting the whole house on fire. Someone’s been stung by a bee and the jelly shoes have ripped your daughters feet to shreds. Your husband smells a bit and the paddling pool is now just sludgy dirty grass water. You put ideas of a sandpit on hold and are relieved to see your app tells you it’s going to p*ss it down in a few days. Thank god for that.
