But autumn? Is our season. Because in autumn our Mum’s uniform can be passed off as an actual choice. That we went into a shop and decided to look a certain way rather than just shoving the nearest thing onto us as we run out of the door. So behold the ‘looks’ us Mums rock in Autumn. And for once? Feel part of the in crowd. Instagram says we are bang on trend. And who are we to argue?
I favour my tights to be black as the nights sky and coming right up to my tits. Ideally under my armpits. Don’t tell anyone but I wore my maternity tights till my son was three. And only then stopped as the gusset went. Tights hold in bellies. Tights smooth out hairy legs. Tights? Were created by God for us to enjoy.
I would actually like these tights to be a bit higher
The Legging
Leggings don’t look ill placed in autumn. Oh no. They are what we should be wearing. Tucked into our boots and not just flapping over the top of our Birkenstock knock offs. Under a chunky knit, a legging (or jegging if you are feeling REALLY fancy) shows off the most flattering part of our bodies that hasn’t been destroyed by a tiny person living in it. You know that bit just below your knee and before your cankle begins.
A Shirt Dress
This is my autumn outfit of choice. A dress. That is a shirt. And I think we all know that means…IT IS PRETTY MUCH LIKE A NIGHTIE! But a nightie that can be worn outside? In public. If you’re not wearing one of these at least twice a week. You’re an idiot.
Cardigans
Mums love cardigans. Cardigans cover wobbly arms, cover tops that have a bit of baby sick on the shoulder and can even be used to sit on when you forget a picnic blanket in the park. You would be hard pressed to find a shop that doesn’t sell cardys during autumn. Long ones that cover your arse, chunky ones that cover your mum tum and even a jazzy one for ready a Christmas night out. I like to bulk buy them and then I’ve got plenty to keep me going throughout the year.
Scarves
LONG LIVE THE SCARF! A scarf hides a multitude of sins. And they are cheap. No husband will moan when you buy a scarf. And he doesn’t need to know that you have 43 hidden in your wardrobe. You can also do that thing when you wrap it over the bottom of your hair so no-one notices it looks sh*te. Aces.
Is it a shirt? Is it a Peacocks nightie? WHO CARES!
Messy Hair
Autumn is about cosy. And messy. And ruffled. So a messy bun? Perfect for autumn! Or if your roots need doing quite badly? Say it’s ombre. Say you are copying Beyoncé. You are the height of fashion. And then shove the bottom of it in your scarf. And strut off in your Primark boots.
Hats
Dear person who made the ‘hat’ a fashion item. I want to snog you. Hard. It could be a woolly beanie. You may wear one of those trendy fedoras Ic. Or hell wrap a snood from the 80’s round your head. Hats hide greasy hair. Hat’s hide roots. Hat’s hide faces. OK so sometimes other halves laugh when you wear a hat but f*ck them. They know nowt.
Sunglasses
“Oh the sun is so bright this morning. I need to wear sunglasses. It’s nothing to do with the fact that underneath them I look like a f*cking tramp. No! It’s a purely as it’s a fresh sunny autumn morn”. Nuff said.
Boots
We get to wear boots. We don’t have to shave our toes. We can ease our feet into woolly socks and run to school, nursery or playgroup in a nice brown leather (or pleather from Primark) comfortable boot. I’ve even had compliments on my boots! You wouldn’t find this happening in summer I tell thee. No one compliments a £2 pair of jazzy flip flops with my hairy trotters on show.
Oh look we are all cosy staying in for the autumn! (I mean we do this every fooking weekend TBH)
Big Coats
Thick Pyjamas
As the cosy nights draw in staying in is the new going out. The youth post photos of themselves on instagram in the thickest pyjamas with candles glowing in the background. Which we have been doing…well for the WHOLE YEAR. If there’s a season where pyjamas and dressing gowns are fashionable? Then we Mums. Are forward thinking trendsetters!
So you’ve read the proof. We are now fashionable. In fact it appears the more of a mess we look the more in Vogue we are! So ladies, go forth, cover up and enjoy the most joyous of all seasons. It comes but once a year. So make the most of it.
