Monday
AM: Go to the park, watch children start throwing sand into faces of other children, threaten children, get rained on, drag children home screaming.
PM: Try and rescue the day by doing a wholesome activity such a crafting. Observe how it rapidly transcends into casual violence.
Tuesday
AM: Take children out on a trip to ‘fun family farm’. Haemorrhage £50 and get told ‘I HATE YOU!’ because you won’t buy a freakish looking Alpaca toy in the gift shop.
PM: Give kids iPad so they can watch other people open Surprise Eggs on YouTube.
Wednesday
AM: Kids say they are bored. Tell them only boring people get bored. Hate yourself for sounding so old. Suggest they play with some of their toys. Kids say they hate all of their toys. Attempt to outsource children to grandparents/unsuspecting relatives/friends. Fail.
PM: Take kids to Toys R Us and buy them stuff they don’t deserve to shut them up. Why not ‘make an afternoon of it’ at your local business park because it’s free. Let them bounce on some beds on Furniture Village and then go to Pets at Home and tell them it’s a zoo.
Thursday
AM: Feel lazy/terrified of exposing your children to the outside world again so decide to have a pyjama day. Watch back to back episodes of Paw Patrol until you want to put your head in the oven.
PM: Observe the methodical destruction of your entire home. Silently scream swear words into the fridge whilst eating a block of cheese. Order Deliveroo KFC for dinner because fuck it.
Friday
AM: Wake up at 5 a.m. to sounds of children fighting to the death over page 227 of the Toys R Us Catalogue. It is raining again. Feel desperate so go to soft play. Order a latte and briefly rejoice over the fact you may get to drink a hot drink. Then get dragged off to crawl through psychedelic tunnels of hell for 3 hours. Narrowly avoid getting bitten by a 3 year old. Report unsupervised child to staff. Narrowly avoid getting punched by child’s parents. Run away.
PM: Wine and crying whilst finishing off yesterday’s boneless bucket.
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P.S. I have a new book OUT NOW! You can nab it on Amazon here or in your lovely local bookshop 
