Making Kids Parties Less Awful: A 101

There may be people out there who enjoy throwing/attending kid’s parties but I don’t think I’ve ever met one of them. In short I think we can all agree that they are awful. But the question is how can we make them less awful?

Duration of party
Time works differently at kid’s parties. Every hour in a normal environment = 5 hours at a kid’s party. It’s a bit like The Matrix.

Parties that go on for too long can lead to severe psychological and physical trauma suffered by both parents and children – see the scientific diagram below which tracks likelihood of GBH being committed by guests alongside the stress of the supervising adults…

Note: It should be illegal to host a kid’s party of over 2 Hours.

Venue choice
Bearing in mind the above it is a good idea to carefully consider your venue choice and make sure you are able to provide ‘adult refreshments’. OK Poppy might ‘think’ she wants a soft play party for her 5th but has she properly considered the function room of your local pub?

The relief on a parents face as you hand them a beer as they walk through the door of a party is palpable.

Just tell Poppy to stop making everything about herself.

Theme
I’ve saved you hours researching on Pinterest. Here’s the theme – Poundland.

Entertainment
Children’s entertainers are expensive for a very good reason – the job they do is AWFUL. Sometimes I try and work out how much you would need to pay me to enthusiastically prance around in a skin tight Power Rangers costume, with a hangover whilst making balloon animals and doing magic tricks and it is A LOT of money.

To cut costs you can usually find a budget option. Elsa and Anna go on a bender seems to be a popular choice. Yes they will have been out on the lash the night before, yes they will stink of Jägerbombs and fags but no one is perfect – Just tell your kids not to touch them.

Games
If you don’t want to pay for entertainment then an even worse idea is to do the games yourself. Two of the most popular choices include:

Pass the parcel – is this even a game or is it just a circle of crying children surrounded by parents who need to get a fucking grip?
Musical statues – I don’t even know where to start with this carnival of hell. It’s torturous for everyone involved. Just don’t put yourself through it.

Food
I just wish we’d all just hold our hand up and say:

‘I’m not going to waste my time with sandwiches, I’m not fucking about with bits of cucumber and carrot batons I’m just going to provide a massive trough of Wotsits and I’m not even going to apologise for it!’

Then we wouldn’t all have to hover around behind our children’s chairs nervously shoving bits of vegetation on their plates and trying to convince the other parents that they usually wolf down healthy shit at home.

FYI If I go to a party with a Wotsit through I’ll have met my real life hero!

Cake
I don’t care if it’s homemade, shop bought or a basic five quid tray bake from Tesco – EVERYBODY loves the cake. Kids love it because – cake, adults love it because it signifies this whole horrific ordeal is nearly over.

Party bags
Lets just stop this yeh? Give em a mini bag of haribo, possibly a lollipop if you are feeling generous and jobs a good’un. I do not need any more chokeable, flammable crap you brought off eBay from China in my home thank you please.

That’s it – hurrah you can go home. Go have a nice lie down in a darkened room or rock backwards and forwards in your favourite corner – wherever your happy place is… go find it!

Just remember to do a sweep of the function room before you leave. If you party overran the 2 hour cut off then some of the parents may have fallen through a vortex in their own brain and need some medical assistance.

P.S. Let’s all remember that as harrowing as entertaining a bunch of other people’s kids for 2 hours is, at least it’s a once yearly event. Now think about teachers. They have to do this EVERY DAY.

Thank you teachers, you are off the scale amazing!

P.P.S I thought I might like to be a teacher once so I volunteered in a local primary school and I had to try REALLY, REALLY hard not to swear at the kids. It was a pre-school. They were 3 years old. I eventually had to face the fact I just wasn’t a nice enough person. Luckily now I have fashioned some sort of career out of whinging about children on the internet, which I am much more suited to.